Facebook and Twitter are always filled with messages, status updates and memes containing words of wisdom for those who are in the dating pool waiting to find true love. The term #RelationshipGoals is one of the most clicked on hashtags.
Many of these status updates come from people who have passed through the ropes of courting and have now ended up on the side of commitment through holy matrimony, while others contain information from those who have become bitter because of relationships that missed the mark of happiness.
It can be difficult sometimes for a woman who doesn’t know a thing about the standards of dating and the “rules” that follow them to know just exactly what to do to land the heart of a man who has caught her attention, but relationship counselors always has a great message for women looking to land the men they deserve.
It doesn’t matter if your baggage is two years old or 20 years old—do not take it on your date or into your next relationship. No guy you are just starting to date wants to hear about how your ex cheated on you in your own house, how mr. so-and-so was connected to this celebrity, or how your worthless baby daddy never stepped up to the plate. Most men date with the hopes of getting to know you.
That’s very hard to do if you keep talking about your worst experience with the previous guy. It makes your date think, Why should I pay for the last guy’s mistakes?
Men don’t mind hearing about what you were able to overcome, but don’t want to constantly hear why the last relationship didn’t work out and how it was his fault, blah, blah, blah. That lets us know you’re not really over the past and we need to move on or put you in the “pretty-but-not-ready-for-a-relationship” category. Inquiring minds need to know how you deal with anger. So short responses like, “I’ve been focusing on my career and getting some things paid off” are great answers to why you may be single.
This is one of the easiest traps to fall into because potential is exciting. You see flashes of kindness, ambition, intelligence, or chemistry and begin imagining the person they’ll become if they just get the right opportunity, heal from their past, or commit to the relationship.
You go out on a date or two with Mr. Maybe, figure out what you don’t like about him, and then say those fateful words: I can change him. You’re not entirely wrong. There are small things a guy will switch up for a woman. For example, a man will change his wardrobe, maybe buy a few more of those shirts you said looked “sexy” on him.
But if you’re looking for a major transformation, don’t waste your date nights. Mr. So-and-so isn’t going to stop chasing his rap career at 40+ years old. The cute guy from the grocery store isn’t going to convert to your church values. And a dude who was having sex before he met you isn’t going to suddenly become abstinent while dating you. “My sex drive is pretty high,” admits my friend Dave. “If I’m dating a woman who puts me through a long waiting period, she is forcing me to lie about my needs and who I am.” A guy may like you enough not to press you about it for a couple of months (and that’s stretching it), but he definitely has some women on speed dial who don’t mind hooking up.
The challenge is that you’re dating a possibility instead of the reality.
For example, someone may say:
Those statements may all be sincere. But sincerity isn’t the same as consistency.
A helpful question is: If this person never changed from who they are today, would I still want to spend the next 10 years with them?
If the answer is no, then you’re not really choosing them—you’re choosing a future version you’ve imagined.
Potential often appeals because it allows us to become emotionally invested in a story:
There’s nothing wrong with believing in someone’s potential. The problem is making long-term relationship decisions based on promises rather than patterns.
People don’t reveal their character through occasional grand gestures. They reveal it through repeated behavior:
Those patterns are much more predictive of a healthy relationship than untapped potential.
Bottom line: If a number of things about a guy bother you in the beginning, don’t waste time remodeling a distressed home. Keep checking out the real estate section.
In a Facebook post, a relationship therapist spoke about the most common mistake women make when dating: praising a boyfriend. What he meant by praise is the extra effort and support women give to the men they are simply courting that haven’t yet promised her a lifetime of commitment.
She cooks, cleans and has sex with him on command, remains faithful and loyal and even moves in with him.
Gaskins made it a point to encourage women to stop praising boyfriends and to refrain from giving everything before a lifelong commitment has been promised.
“Why would a man work to have a woman if she is giving everything willingly with little effort being given to earn her?”, Tony rhetorically asks to get the attention of his woman audience.
His advice to women who give too much too soon in a relationship is to “close your legs and open your mind to get to know a man before giving everything.”
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This is a solid piece of advice for any woman looking for long term/lifetime commitment from a man.
It is natural for a woman to be giving and nurturing, but giving in abundance before a man has said the words “I choose you for life” only places a woman in a position to be taken advantage of.
There needs to be a cap put on the amount a woman gives to a man before securing a future with him. After all, if one gives it all away in the beginning, there is nothing to look forward to.
It’s ok to be caring and nurturing to a boyfriend, however, it takes some reservation in order to turn the relationship from courtship to marriage.
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Time should be taken to sincerely get to know a person mentally and spiritually.
When a man has to work to earn the affection of a woman, it is much more appreciated than when it is simply given out of the feeling of having to keep a man satisfied.
For the single and still searching women out there, try this advice and see how it works for you. Don’t give up too much too soon.
Avoiding difficult conversations is one of the biggest reasons promising relationships eventually fail. Early dating is often filled with fun, chemistry, and optimism, so many people postpone uncomfortable topics because they don’t want to “ruin the vibe.” The problem is that avoiding those conversations doesn’t eliminate the differences—it simply delays discovering them.
Here are some of the conversations that matter most:
People often assume they’re on the same page because they’re enjoying each other. One person may be dating for marriage, while the other is simply seeing where things go.
Questions like:
These aren’t interrogations—they’re ways to determine whether you’re headed in the same direction.
Financial disagreements are among the most common sources of relationship stress. You don’t need to exchange bank statements on the third date, but understanding someone’s philosophy toward money is important.
For example:
A couple can deeply love each other yet constantly argue if their financial values are fundamentally different.
Family influences every relationship differently.
Some important questions include:
These conversations become especially important in serious relationships because expectations around family can create tension if they’re never discussed.
This is one area where compromise isn’t always possible.
Topics include:
Waiting until engagement—or worse, after marriage—to discover opposing views can be heartbreaking.
Shared beliefs don’t require identical beliefs, but they do require honest discussion.
Consider asking:
Many couples underestimate how often these values influence everyday decisions.
One of the strongest predictors of relationship success isn’t whether couples argue—it’s how they argue.
Ask yourself:
Watching how someone handles disappointment, frustration, or criticism often reveals more than how they behave when everything is going well.
Many people fear that bringing up serious topics too soon will scare someone away.
Ironically, if a conversation about values, goals, or expectations causes someone to leave, it often means the relationship wasn’t built to last in the first place.
Avoiding difficult conversations can create false intimacy. You may feel emotionally close because you’ve shared fun experiences, traveled together, or spent a lot of time together. But true intimacy also includes knowing each other’s convictions, priorities, fears, and future plans.
Think of early dating less as trying to convince someone to choose you and more as a process of discovery. Every meaningful conversation answers an important question:
Can we build a life together—not just enjoy time together?
That’s the difference between compatibility and chemistry. Chemistry can bring two people together, but compatibility is what gives them a realistic chance of staying together.
Visit the BlackDoctor.org Relationships center for more articles.
Glamazon Tyomi is a freelance writer, model and sex educator with a deeply rooted passion for spreading the message of sex positivity and encouraging the masses to embrace their sexuality. Her website, www.sexperttyomi.com, reaches internationally as a source for advice and information for the sexually active/curious. Follow her on Twitter at @glamazontyomi.
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